Pain.
Sorrow.
Disappointment.
Longing.
Emptiness.
Void.
Brokenness.
Alone.
Confusion.
Lost.
Uncertain.
Fear.
These 12 words – and many others of a similar vein – have become my companions over the past several months. There have been other words that have come into play as well: Gratitude, joy, peace, resolve… But they have been more sporadic. They come and go. Those first 12 though, they stick around.
There is no preparing for something like losing your spouse and having them go home to be with Jesus. I spend time wishing I was more aware the last few months of Barbara’s life of what was really going on. I wish I had known that those last few months when I kept saying, “it’s just a season”, that the “season” was actually the waning days of Barbara’s time here, this side of heaven. I truly thought we were going to come out of that season and into a new one where she was healthy again and life would get back to normal.
I’ve had some of my closest friends tell me that it had to be this way – that if I had known what was really going on I wouldn’t have been able to be as positive, supportive and encouraging to Barbara through it all. I’ll go with that. Although, I can’t help but wonder if there wouldn’t have been more urgency about things. I don’t know though – I write that sentence, and I don’t even really know what it means.
There’s a lot I don’t know right now. What I am most sure of, though, is that I couldn’t get through any of this without God. Nor without the church family He blessed Barbara and me with for the last 10 plus years. This is where the gratitude, joy, peace and resolve come into play.
What I also know is that I wouldn’t have traded the 30 years of marriage and five more of friendship and courting for anything in this world. If this current season of mine is/was (tenses are a %&$# these days) part of the deal of having the last 35 years with Barbara, then so be it. It will be worth it.
The other thing I know is that, over time, God is going to flip the script. He’s going to replace those 12 words above. In time. His time. Until then, I trust. I believe. I keep on. I move forward. There are dreams to accomplish. I may now just be me here, but WE are not done.
Over time, there will be new words…
Healing.
Delight.
Optimism.
Contentment.
Fullness.
Meaning.
Completeness.
Surrounded.
Lucid.
Found.
Clarity.
Courageous.
I keep going back to one of my favorite quotes from C.S. Lewis: “The pain now is part of the happiness then. That’s the deal.” Barbara’s time for pain is over. And for that, I am grateful.
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